Another lesson on: I do not know anything

Or how ACIM puts into words: "I do not know what anything is for" (ACIM, Lesson 25).

I am writing this as I am on my trainride home. Home from a 3 days Vipassana Meditation retreat in the lovely forests of Herefordshire. One that I was granted admission 24h before it started (and that I was blessed to be able to attend). Because I needed it. Just right then and there.

And my only thought I have after over 10 hours of sitting in meditation daily, 3 days of total silence, of no meals past 12 o'clock and so much needed disciplined mind training is this one: I don't know anything. Absolutely nothing. And that's a lesson I am still working on and one I gladly surrender at times and hastily fight at other times.

And why don't I know anything? Let me tell you a few reasons. Initially I thought I came here to "think" about my "work" and plan (of course) for my next steps. Well, it turned out that I had some other stuff to do. Unpacking some childhood experiences and conditionings, processing and clearing out stuff in that department. Layer after layer.

I thought I will have certain topics and thoughts that I will ruminate on (a clear agenda as you say in a business related environment). And guess what? None of those things came up at all. None. "My" (read ego) agenda was thrown in the bin and I had to follow another one. I am so glad I did not resist it.

I also thought I would meditate much better in a solitary enviroment, in total silence, darkenss and confinment (you know all top class conditions for focusing on the mind). After giving my meditation cell in the pagoda a try, I concluded I am much better at disciplining my mind in a meditaton hall with other people, with fresh air and all the distractions that come along with being in the same hall with over 50 other people (you know sounds, smells, sensations etc). Or at home. Or anywhere else one chooses.

And I also thought that I will have a lovely last meditation session in the hall this morning (was on my meditation pillow at 4:30 AM ready for it), when the teacher will deliver his final speech all sprinkled with butterflies, birds chirping, well wishes and all the jazz. Silly me! My mind spat out all its frustrations and aversion and I was triggered by everything and everyone around me. And I just sat there and watched the show. From my front seat on the cozy meditation pillow. And what a show it was. On a hammering rain background.

And these are just a few examples on what I thought I needed, wanted and came for.

Of course, it was the (ego) I having that storyline and once again happy to witness being wrong and allowing myself to choose again and let the force of life/God know for me. Cause He really knows what is in my and everyone's else best interest.