I (am trying to) allow myself

Yesterday was the longest day of the year and it happened that it was also sunny in London (yay). I was planning to celebrate the solstice in nature and practice yoga at sunset with my yoga teacher friend after I ticked off some things that were on my "to do list". Things got messy (in my values map) when my friend asked me if I want to join her for a cold swim in the afternoon, in Hampstead Heath.

The instant internal dialogue that popped in my mind was one of self blame & shaming "How can you go swimming and yoga in the middle of the day, on a Thursday? What would other people think of you? Not only do you not have a 9-5 work commitment but you also plan on going to have a swim in a park, at noon? This is too much! What about your to do list? etc etc". I managed to catch all this internal narration going on pretty soon and just set with it, observing quietly how the ego is in the driver seat. I took a deep breath, reassessed the situation pragmatically (sooo I do not have any commitments during that timeframe, I love swimming, and yoga and I can do the things I had in mind in the morning and the next day as there was nothing urgent). So I decided to go and I went.

What I want to highlight is that by having the headspace and time to sit with this situation I came to realize that most of the time I would not allow myself to do things that I love and like UNLESS I consider that I am worthy of them. Unless I have done x,y,z, when I have achieved a certain thing, if I have a <good reason> to justify in front of others and so on. And also, most of the time I look at the things I love in terms of reward. I am allowing/rewarding myself with a certain experience/product only if I have done something that I consider worthy and thus I value the experience as a reward.

Such unhealthy conditioning to allow myself to do things I love mostly at the expense of doing the things that I am <supposed> to. By not being permissive and allowing myself to just be and do and enjoy things that I love unless there is a trade-off somewhere in my mind, no wonder I have been missing out on fun and joy in my life. No wonder I feel guilty about the idea of enjoying life while not having a 9-5 commitment. It's like trying to go forward while having the handbrake up.

Just wanted to share this reflection in case you are in the same allow - reward dynamic and might not realize or you might simply hold yourself back from enjoying things that you love because you think you do not deserve them. And that's simply not true.

Sharing below a picture of how I allowed myself to spend half a day enjoying the things I love, love, love. On a sunny Thursday afternoon. I would have loved to say that it's guiltless, but that's not the case. Even sharing this story and post here does not come with ease. But hey, here it is. I pressed the publish button anyhow. :)