No more "I have to-es"

As I went for a longer run today I pondered on the idea why life has felt much easier lately. And I kept thinking about it, trying to understand what has changed that I perceive life easier, more flowy. Of course, getting out of a structured environment has been a major change and offered me more flexibility and freedom. Where to be, what to do and with whom. But actually what I think has been the true catalyst that brought this ease in my life was my letting go of fix plans, to do lists, thoughts of how and when certain things will happen. All the things that had to...happen, develop, occur etc a certain way and more important all the things that I (absolutely) had to do. Coming from a "Do it now" type of personality with a great sense of personal value placed on doing things as a measure of self -worth and success (the longer the to-do list, the worthier), I lived, breathed and operated most of my life from the paradigm of "I have to". I had to visit my grandparents on x,w,z dates (although I did not want to), I had to perform well in school across all subjects (without genuine interest), I had to choose a uni (not really understanding why), had to behave in a certain way (without agreeing to it), had to make that happen, had to do overtime and so on and so forth. A whole life lived under the moral code of "I have to...". Without much questioning, without much thought and most importantly without a will to choose. A "true soldier", autopilot, doer mentality that does certain things because that is what the environment, school, work set-up, family, society, community etc is telling me to do or more importantly is expecting me to do (and who does not want to raise to someone's expectations?).

What I realized I have done differently in these past 3 months (without intending so) was firstly to let go of expectations on what and how life should happen. Dropped my agenda, my to-do lists, my plans (not all though, still holding on some :)) and stepped more into 'let's see what happens' land. More of what one would call being in the now, without a certain attachment on the outcome. Less personal agenda, less planning (yes even a planner can do that), less thinking, predicting and anticipating. More being. Moving from doing to being.

And from this newly inhabited space of being I am able to choose consciously where to be, what to do and when. I am still doing the daily, mundane things that are required in this experience called life: cooking, running errands, doing the nursery runs etc (things which used to give me stress in the past) but I am doing them from a totally different space - the space of "I choose to" - and consequently they come with ease and oh boy what a qualitatively different experience it is. Of course, there are still things that fall under the "I have to" bucket but being able to inhabit the present and choose from that space what is the best place to direct my energy and time towards is such a game changer. Also, by getting out of the "I have to" kingdom there are things that I naturally do not say or do not do anymore. And that is surprisingly fine too. With whatever consequence that might entail.

If you are a constant busy body like me, try even changing the language that you are using daily from "I have to" to "I choose to" and see what that small twist might bring along.